Competing With Fate?

“How do you feel about him now?” I asked her.

With tears finding their way out of their sockets, she said:

“What do you do when you meet the love of your life and realize its all about timing? How do you accept that no matter how perfect you are for each other, circumstances get in the way. How do you compete with that kind of fate?”

“There’s a corner of my heart thats always his. And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found someone else, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to him.”

“Fifty years from now, if he knocked on my door and told me that he needed me, I would still drop everything I had to help him. Fifty years from now, if he knocked on my door and told me he was ready to try again, I would be ready to try again. Fifty years from now, if he knocked on my door and told me that he loved me, I would love him back. I know that I will want him for the rest of my life, so I’m hoping that in fifty years from now when he knocks on my door, it will only be because he misplaced the key.”

I looked at all the lines across her face, they told me the story of who she was and where she had been, and how she got to where she was. But these stories meant nothing, when she had no one to tell them to. The smile on her mouth hid the words that don’t come out. All her friends thought she was lucky, not knowing that her mind and her head were a mess. No, they never really knew who she was. And they didn’t know what she was going through or what she’d been through.

I was so proud and envious of her ability to love. Not most people in this lifetime get to love and give love as much as she did. Her ability to love to such great depths is a gift. She experienced things in a way many others cannot, and that was her treasure.

She told me of how her biggest fear has always been falling hard for someone, so hard that it blinded her. And when there came a time when there was nothing left to say or do, she was scared of being forced to walk away while still very much in love. And this has always been a turmoil for her, she always seemed to attract short-lived connections that never seem to amount to a lifetime, and it tore her apart because she loved deep and wore her heart on her sleeve.

Every time someone walked away, she came closer to herself. It is when she was hurt or feeling uncertain that she felt the most alive. Pain always came with a realization that everything is transient and time will heal and make her even stronger.

But this time round, this one was different, she still couldn’t figure out why him. He swept her off her feet and became the centre of her universe. A connection so deep. She had never had this connection with anyone all her life. He was a boy version of her and their chemistry was unheard of, even the people around them noticed it instantly soon as they locked eyes for the very first time. They were already talking about their future together in the first week of their meeting.

Life happened so fast that all that was left between them was silence. There’s absolutely nothing she could do about it. All she ever wanted was for him to pick her. There are a million other women he could have, but she wanted to be the object of his affection, that all these other women wouldn’t matter. She wanted him to know that no amount of time will change the way she felt about him or what she wanted them to continue to become. She wanted him to trust her with his heart and future.

She wanted her eyes to be so captivating to him that he couldn’t help it but to look directly into them. She wanted her smile to make him feel incredibly warm inside. She wanted him to treasure her mind, her intelligence, her values, her dreams and ambitions. And of course she wanted that sexual chemistry to get his blood flowing in all the right places. She wanted her kindness to allow him to let his guard down while they got to know each other; allowing them to build a true friendship. She wanted him to be her best friend and tell her everything including his darkest moments. She wanted her free spirit to entice him in ways he’d literally wouldn’t be able to explain.

At the end of it all, despite the bad timing, distance and so many complications, all she ever wanted for him to be sure of, without hesitation, was choosing her!

“What if he never gets to choose you?” I asked.

“If he chooses someone else, even if they love him, it wouldn’t ever be like my love for him. People will learn to swim within the oceans in his eyes, but I never did. I drowned in his eyes. I’ve felt him in many ways no one after me can feel, I’ve seen the depths of his love in ways no one after me ever can. If only he knew, I’ve loved him pure and true, in ways no one after me will know how.” She said.

I could tell that she was incredibly happy that she had met him. And that he made her happy. Her eyes shone brightly when she spoke about him throughout the conversation. But even through the happiness I could also feel the sadness that was haunting her, and the tears that fell down her cheeks as she explained to me how complicated it was and how she misses him despite happily living her life at the moment on her own terms. She was deeply in love.

She told me of how she often wondered if she were to write a book on his silence, would any of its pages say “I LOVE YOU.” Or would the words on the papers shout “The End.” What this book won’t tell her though is that mystery can sometimes suffocate. Its like running in a maze never knowing if you want to run for the exit or go back to the start and never enter again. On some days, the silence is too heavy. Nobody told her that sometimes silence is the loudest thing you’d hear especially when it comes from someone you love.

She wondered why everyone was so broken. Concluding that we promise too much when we are happy. Some words like “FOREVER” are just meant to be left in dictionaries and not in real life. She remembered her mother comforting her during one of her bad days by plucking a flower from the garden and telling her “It’s okay to love a flower till it lasts. Its okay to love a flower even after it has died. Its okay to miss a flower. The only thing you shouldn’t do is think your life has ended because a flower withered away.” So She had found a way of missing him but still keep living without him around. Its sad how the people you want to make memories with end up becoming just another memory.

She finished her story looking defeated and stuck on whether to move on or wait for him. It hurt me to see her this way. She deserved the world.

It is at this point that I needed to remind her that no matter the situation, she is more than deserving. She is worthy. She is healing and growing. She is a badass modern woman who will not settle for less than the bare minimum. So, she was allowed to feel the feels, then keep her chin up, put on a smile, and hold her head high. Because that is what you do. She needed to move forward with strength and grace, with courage and conviction, that someday the stars will align in her world. Someday, the heartache, the lessons, the tears, the uncertainty – will all be worth it. But today, tomorrow, and every day following, She needs to remind herself that SHE is her number one priority. SHE is her number one biggest fan. SHE is mighty, and she is worth it.

She deserved to be adored and cared for in every way that her mind, body and heart needs and longs for. She deserved to be appreciated in every way she gives her love and energy to someone else. She deserved to not feel guilty asking for what she wants, to be unapologetically her. To put her foot down and say no more when someone is only willing to give her the bare minimum. She deserved to keep her standards high because that means she will not allow herself to settle. She deserved to speak her mind freely and passionately without feeling ashamed or at fault. She deserved to be reminded of how incredible, smart, inspiring and beautiful she is. She deserved someone who proves their own worth through actions, not words alone.