Dear You,
I am writing these letters with the hope that someday, you are going to read them. It may be now, in the near future, or even maybe when you’re very old and weary. And maybe you will never come across them. Regardless, I am writing because its the only thing I know to get me through situations. And right now, I am stuck. Stuck between letting you go to save my sanity and dignity or staying and waiting for God knows how long, to see how things pan out in the end.
I know what you would say if I asked you. You’d say all you want is for me to be happy regardless of whether you are in my life or not. That you don’t want me to wait, and if I am waiting, you want me to be happy while doing it and that I should be living my best life. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But the uncertainty is too loud.
Meeting you was definitely the best day of my life. I have had so many wonderful encounters in life, but nothing comes close to when I first looked into your eyes and told you; You look hangover. From the first gaze, our eyes said things they can’t take back. Everything felt so good and it felt so right. You left two days later but even with the distance between us, every time we talked, I swear we could feel it. We wondered how long can we do this to ourselves?
We never get the chance to try. And that makes it worse. If you met me first, I can’t even count all the times I’ve thought about that, and what we would have been. In a different place and time, maybe in another life, I’ll bet that you and I would have worked. Most nights when the quiet gets too loud, I hate that I know what you’re doing. Your arms around someone else. I think about the line I said I’d never cross. Stealing anyone from from somebody else, but I’ve crossed that line. Just to have you to myself. Because the heart always wants what it wants and my heart don’t wanna hear me tell the truth.
There are so many times I thought this was too good to be true. That we were just infatuated with each other and not rational at all. Sometimes, Just sometimes, I wish I would have held onto those instincts at the back of my mind and not taken anything too serious. But then I went ahead and fell deeply in love with you. Loved you like I’ve never loved before. A love I know I will never be able to give to any other human in this lifetime.
With everything that has been going on, I know what I am supposed to do, my mind tells me to do it, but you can’t just unlove someone who brought you so much happiness albeit the short time together. Someone who makes you incredibly happy even in their absence. Someone you see a lifelong future with because you knew it was him from day one. Someone you made dreams with. Someone who chose you. But you aren’t so sure about it anymore.
I really really want to stay and fight for us. Does that make me weak? Does that make you respect me less because it would seem like I am being clingy? Would you find that unattractive because I am the one who’s making the efforts? What happened to my standards, the society would question me. They would say I am being stupid and that I should let you go. Because of the uncertainty. But what they wouldn’t understand is that I have never in my life been so sure about anything than I am of you right now, even through all this mess.
Even if I choose to let you go, it doesn’t mean that I want to. Leaving all these behind me wouldn’t be easy. There is always something about you that gives me hope. There is something about your smile and how you kissed me that told me you weren’t like everyone else. God, I love you with every beat of my heart and it consumes me. You have given me so much to remember, so much that every time I think of you, the memories make my heart ache. I love you and my heart aches for you every time. My lips whisper prayers for you. Part of me wishes you’d come back and part of me fades in your absence.
I am not someone to give up easily on others really fast. It would be taking me so much to give up on you. On us. The pain is there once in a while especially when something good is happening and I wish you’d be the first person to hear about it. The pain of not being able to be with the person I love. Pain due to UNCERTAINTY. You are everywhere. In my dreams, prayers and all my wishes.
I am happy. Don’t get me wrong. But some nights, the memories come back at full throttle and I find myself smiling through the tears, longing to be held, longing to be assured, longing to be chosen and to be told that it all shall be alright. To be told that it still was us against the world. Just you and I at the end of it all.
Letting go would feel as though I am losing my sanity.
On the other hand, I am trying to make peace with the fact that just because we love each other, we don’t have to belong together. It’s so cruel, because I would live my life aimlessly trying to find you in other people. I know that not all stories have fairy tale endings but how I wish this was an exception, that we both deserve each other in the end.
The truth is, sometimes we change our minds about love and “I love you” becomes ” I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” Sometimes “I’ll stay with you forever,” becomes ” I have to leave before I lose my mind” and sometimes “I’ll never break your heart” becomes ” I need to take care of my own heart for now.”
My feelings are valid. Every single one of them. I love too much, care too much, give too much of my heart away, I hate the situation, I am frustrated of a broken heart, sad that things didn’t pan out the way we thought they would, hurt by all the stupid dreams that went up in flames. But all these feelings are valid and important and mean something. So I will never apologize for feeling.
The question is: What do you feel? Is life being kind to you? Are you happy?
Yours Truly.
My life in words 